Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
