as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
