so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
