Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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