evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
