Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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