tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
