if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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