what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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