I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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