Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
