my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
