Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
