I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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