you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
