Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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