i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
