I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
