I just saw a hot homeless man
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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