Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
