I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
