Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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