Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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