Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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