My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
