Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize