remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
