Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
