My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
