TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
