I have demons in me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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