Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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