i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
