i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
