If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
