you have to choose: penises or morals?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
