I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
