So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
