At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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