just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
