Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
