just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
