My first STD was from a foam party
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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