so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
