My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
