me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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