the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
