dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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