oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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