Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
