So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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