I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
