I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
where am i from again
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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