I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
