theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
