I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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