Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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