one two three fourrrrnication!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
